How To Make It In Swiss Prison If You’re Sepp Blatter
It’s finally happened. A criminal investigation against Sepp Blatter has been opened by Swiss authorities over mismanagement of funds and a “disloyal payment” to UEFA president Michel Platini.
According to the Independent, he could go to jail for up to five years for the criminal mismanagement charge. Although there’s a long way to go before that happens, it might be time for Sepp to formulate a prison plan just in case. So in the interest of helping someone who has done so much to further his own interests in football, we here at Dirty Tackle have a few tips that Blatter might find useful in the can.
Use your skills — The good news for you, Sepp, is that the same thing that could put you in prison could help make your stay as comfortable as possible. Think of prison officials as FIFA voters, but instead of bribing your way into retaining the presidency, you have to bribe your way to edible food and a massage chair in your cell. You might even have Jerome Valcke there to help you, just like old times!
Intimidate those around you — Given your high profile and overall decrepitness, other inmates will probably target you. This could be very dangerous, so intimidation will be crucial. Obviously, you couldn’t physically intimidate a deer that was just clipped by a speeding bus, but there are other ways to instill fear in your potential attackers.
On your first day in prison, loudly announce in the lunch room that Vladimir Putin is a close personal friend of yours who owes you BIG for giving him the 2018 World Cup. And that anyone who messes with you is basically messing with Vladimir Putin himself. Then put this picture on the wall over your bed…
With that fact established, the other inmates will not only refrain from attacking you, they might even do your bidding. Which will be necessary for the next tip…
Blackmail FIFA into awarding the 2026 World Cup to the Swiss prison you’re in — If you go down it means you’ve taken the fall for some of your underlings. So in order to keep you quiet, they will have to do whatever you want. You can use this opportunity to leave one last cold sore on the lip of world football and see what it’s like to be on the other side of the World Cup bidding process by arranging to make your prison the first correctional facility to host a World Cup.
After Russia and Qatar, having a prison host a World Cup won’t seem that strange and your fellow inmates can do all the manual labor free of charge, continuing the trend that’s already being established. Everyone needs a way to pass the time when locked up and this would be a perfect fit for you.
Pull a Chapo — It’s important to look to your peers for inspiration. Take Mexican drug lord El Chapo, for example. He was able to escape from a maximum security prison in Mexico through something as rudimentary as a mile-long tunnel dug under the prison shower. Surely you have the resources to make this happen and you already have the motion down.
With these tips, your time in prison will be tolerable — and maybe even enjoyable, Sepp. I would wish you good luck, but you don’t deserve it and I really don’t want you to have it. So we’ll leave it at that.